It's been a hard day
by E.J-imagination
Summary: AU! JJ and Emily visit a charity concert. While being in the restroom they make their very own realizations of what happened during their day and how it affects others and themselves. WARNING: Deals with dark themes such as eating disorder, self-harm
1. Prologue

It's been a hard day

**A/N:**

**Just the beginning. Will be a threeshot, but be warned! It will get pretty dark. Mentions of eating disorder and self-harm.**

**'Writing what you want to do to yourself is better than picking up the blade and doing it' (quoted from t0wncalledhypocrisy) - So here is, what I did...**

The restroom door opens a second time with two women entering. They offer a smile towards the girl in concert clothes, who is giving the concert tonight.

Their both eyes are sparkling like the stars at the night sky and the blond woman compliments the younger girl with an even brighter smile on her face: „You are so talented! Awesome! It's a pleasure to listen to your solos."

The young girl thanks her, but thinks inwardly, that none of the two women understands _anything_!

On the other side the Blond and the Brunette envy the Girl for her obvious perfect life.

* * *

… Because it's been a hard day for Jennifer!

* * *

**A/N:**

**For explanation:**

**The 'Girl' is out of a novel I am currently writing on. So due to the fact that I first of all didn't even had in mind to publish this she will be in the story.  
But only in the last chapter.**

**English is not my mother tongue. So that's why my keyboard writes the direct speech as „ ..." (If anybody cares.)**


	2. JJ

******Disclaim: I don't own 'em. Except Kathryn (;**

**A/N:**

**Even though I hate it: But for the good of the story, JJ isn't working for the BAU at the moment.**

**(I needed to separate her from Emily to get this working – please don't hate me! I do it myself (; No but seriously – You'll see it's need in the next chapter)**

* * *

… Because it's been a hard day for Jennifer!

* * *

Oh, the morning starts very well! No hot water for showering! That can't be true …

I shake my head, while I pull the tie out of my hair, which held my pig tail in a tight knot, to let it down full length.

The blond shines in the raising morning sun that makes its way through the window.

And even though my hair is all sweaty due to my every-morning WorkOut, it feels … right.

Because I lack choices I step into the shower under the freezing cold water, and think that I don't deserve anything better.

The simple thought that accompanies me through every single day.

After I have changed, I make my way through the kitchen. - Past the fruitbowl. Past the fridge which is full of food – Unnoticed by me.

The very thought that any of this could come even close to my mouth frightens me, lets a feeling of disgust rise up my throat.

… No, the feeling of pureness and cleanness I experience at the moment is too beautiful to be ruined by something that simple as sugar.

Pure, Clean, … Perfect and Worthy – That's the only thing I ever wanted. Am I asking too much?!

* * *

„Shut up, and let me do it my way!", I state with vigour, because he is really getting on my nerves.

My colleague rises his hands in surrender showing me, I have won.

From the desk opposite mine a member of my team complains that I am so aggressive and irritable. She throws a chocolate bar in my direction, commenting: „Raises your blood sugar level."

I stare at the wrapping blankly.

Dark brown pieces of chocolate building a mountain. Looks appealing...

I play with the thought to simply throw it into the trash can, but I don't wanne be impolite, either.

So I open it in slow motion and need over 10 minutes until I have consumed it entirely.

* * *

Not much later I can't bear the feeling of heaviness anymore, so I head to the restrooms.

And there it is again: The familiar, calming, disgusting smell of cleaning compound.

The neonlight offers only a drab illumination, yet it is enough to ensure I am totally alone in here.

After that I move on to enter the very last stall, lock it and lean against the wall. It offers stability, but it can't block the questions rising in my head.

Do I really want that? - YES! It's your punishment!

I slowly slide towards the ground. My knees feel the furrows between the tiles. Make me believe they are inch deep craters.

My hands rest on my thighs. Sweaty palms that are slightly trembling.

My view directed towards the abyss. The porcelain bowl.

Moments later I feel the familiar burning in my throat – the abominable sound – that sends chills down my spine every time, no matter how often it is repeated.

And after this second the water is not clear anymore. But bristled with half digested food.

I cling at the cold marble, while my body rears against my dictatorship.

My gullet is sore … exacly like the remaining part of me.

It is only the fair punishment for not being disciplined enough, I assure myself after leaning against the wall again.

I atomize some perfume to cover the abominable smell that still lingers in the air.

As I examine my reflection in the mirror, I see a face covered with make-up. But not even the best make-up artist could conceal the dark circles around my eyes, nor the shrunken cheeks.

Before I exit the toilet, I reach into my pocket and take out a chewing gum. With it the polite smile occurs upon my face.

I could repeat this procedure as often as I want, but maybe I will never feel good enough for this oh so perfect world!

* * *

Today I want to visit the charity-event with Emily, where a young musician gives a concert.

As my brunette friend hugs me, she seems to get aware of something while she stokes my back.

She looks in my face, examines my collarbone. Reaches for my hands.

She asks softly: „JJ … have you … I mean, is everything alright? You have lost weight."

„What gives you that idea?", I reply quite surprised, but my friend only answers this question with glances.

„No." Almost inaudible. „No! I haven't!", I assure with vigour. But in truth … only the last 10 weeks took away 12 kilograms.

„Well than, let's have a snack at Jamies Diner!", she suggests, but I explain that I ate an hour ago with my colleagues.

Without bad conscience I trot out that lies, while my brain works to estimate:

Ok, an apple in one break – let's say 150 kcal. After that this damn chocolatbar that runs riot with 400 kcal. Oh – and the three cups of coffee make 100 kcal extra … Did I forget anything? …

A slice of bread with cheese – how I had to fight to get this down! - another 500 kcal. Makes a total of 1150. Just in case I'll add 100 extra!

I feel like my stomach is about to rumble which gives me a serious panic attack!

This are the hardest moments – when others are so close to discover the secret but you yourself can't do anything against. Just wait and watch!

Frantic I reach for my water bottle and empty it almost, so my stomach has something to do.

I take deep breaths, tense it, relax it … over and over – try to subjugate my body back under my control.

I succeed finally.

* * *

There is a break during the concert and as we stand up to stretch our legs, I feel dizzy all of a sudden.

Emily grabs for my arm to steady me. She offers support and safety in a situation like this.

„I guess I'll go and refresh myself", I announce and Emily accompanies me without saying a word, while my legs threaten to yield under the weight of my body.

When we open the door, there is a single girl standing at the sink. Watching herself sadly in the mirror.

I offer a smile.

„You are so talented! Awesome! It's a pleasure to listen to your solos."

Sure, when you come from a rich parental home, where every wish is read from your eyes. No  
problem than! Perfect little life. Perfect body. Perfect soul. Shitty perfect world!

One last time I lean on Emily before I enter a stall.

* * *

… But it's been a hard day for Emily either!

* * *

**A/N:**

**So what is your first impression? **

**Please leave a review or PM me.**


	3. Emily

… But it's been a hard day for Emily, either!

* * *

It's night, yet my thoughts seem to chase me. Hunt me closer and closer to the abyss.

I was never afraid of the dark, not even as a child. My greatest fear has been the silence ever since. Because there we are extradited to our thoughts mercilessly.

The clock shows 3 – for already 4 hours I toss in my bed. Desperate for some peace. Waiting for the sleep to take over me. Because at 6 I need to be wide awake and well rested! Futile!

I'm nothing more than a shell, anyhow – my mind floats somewhere above me. Unreachable.

But there _are_ moments, where we both are united. When I'm not separated into mind and body.

Painful instants!

In my head everything comes thick and fast and I can't distinguish one thought from another anymore.

It makes me go insane!

* * *

In the morning I take a long-sleeved blouse out of my wardrobe and head to work.

But not even my colleagues distraction can take my mind away from the bygone night. My thoughts always slip back – and get almost torn apart. Like my head is bursting …

Once they slide to the brutal case we are trying to solve at the moment. But the traces are rare and more and more young girls get murdered. Time is breathing down our necks! Pitiless!

Another time I find myself distracted by things my mother accused me a long time ago. Over twenty years by now.

What a waste of love I were. How I should ever become something in live if I keep doing like this. Well, it was a time I didn't care about anything. I was so upset …

While I walk to the coffeepercolator, to wake my mind with caffeine, I hover above my substantial self.

I observe how my shell forces her way through the crowd of people that occupy the office, but she seems to disappear into a distance I can't reach, no matter how hard I try.

Whenever I try to get a hold on her … she is gone.

I fill my cup with the hot drink, before I put it down on the edge of the table.

When Morgan screams my name I try to ignore it and simply grab for the handle of my mug,

But I feel like it is placed in a parallel world.

Before I could even _try_ to rescue something, the cup makes contact with the hard floor. Shattered into thousands of pieces, covering the whole ground. Spilling the former content all over the tiles.

Morgan rushes to my side, but he is as foreign to me as every stranger I share the daily subway route with.

„Wait, don't touch, Princess! You could get hurt. I'll get something to clean the mess."

I do know he is a profiler. Knows as much about human behaviour as I do.

But by far not as much about lying as I do. About the art of faking, covering, hiding.

About pretending to be someone you are not, without anyone noticing you don't even belong here.

But I learnt those skills early in life. I had to, to keep alive and survive the day.

I watch Morgan disappear to get some cleaning stuff.

But maybe I need to touch the sharp edges! Maybe I need the pain! Have you ever thought about this?, screams the I flying above me into Morgans direction.

Maybe I need this punishment, which usually brings relief.

Another voice argues: No, you have fought for two month now, successfully! Don't stop fighting now.

Yet I know my head has made its choice already. The choice, that my will is defeated by the yearning for release.

I excuse myself and tell my colleagues, that I will clean the coffee-spots at the restroom.

* * *

Arriving there I make sure all stalls are empty.

Being certain of this I enter the last cubicle and take a seat on the toilet lit.

I take out my purse.

Out of a neatly closed compartment I take a blade covered with aluminum foil.

Yes, it is my punishment.

Yes, I deserve _this_ and nothing else.

Yes, I want to be able to focus my thoughts again, without them drifting miles away.

Yes, I want to be numb. Time should stop for a short moment.

I squeeze the steel against my skin.

Suddenly I feel the heat and hurry, which were inside me. Consumed me. But all of a sudden everything is calm and relaxed.

I observe the red spheres closely. Watch them grow until they are a big stream.

I realize I _feel_ myself – _I_ am no longer separated into body and minds. I am _ one_.

I can eventually control myself … What a relief

Cautiously – always anxious not to leave any marks on my blouse – I take some tissue and dab up the blood.

I observe the cut. It's not really deep.

But … if it should help, I must be able to feel the pain long enough.

So I drag the blade again against my already open skin.

Eventually all fog surrounding my mind earlier is gone. Finally can I perceive everything around me clearly.

I pull a band aid outa my pocket, but to be safe I put a layer tissue under the sticking plaster.

After that I roll down my sleeves and throw all evidences into the porcelain bowl and flush.

* * *

I head to Jennifers, so we can prepare the afternoon and evening, we will both spend together.

Since two month we haven't seen each other – could this possibly be true?!

But as I hug my blonde friend, she feels so unusual … different … from the last time I remember.

I ask her, if she has lost weight, but she simply dismisses this thought.

But as she declines to go to Jamies Diner, I get distrustful.

The fact that she would never have turned down such an offer former lets me make my assumptions.

„It's such a beautiful, warm summer day. And despite this you are wearing long sleeves?", Jennifer wants to know sceptically.

Ok. Stay calm! You have talked through this quite often! Press only _Play_ and the CD will take over.

„Yeah … I might have catched something … a flue maybe."

I wait cautiously for JJ's reaction, but I rely on my abilities to make others believe. I guess she bought it.

She scrutinizes me with concern filled eyes: „You look pale …"

I shrug, but think inwardly about the three times I had to change the bandage, because the bleeding did not stop.

„Come on, let's change and get ready for the evening", suggests my best friend cheerfully with a nudge on my arm to reinforce her statement.

Only with difficulties can I prevent myself from obviously flinching.

If Jennifer would notice _this_ … It would be a disaster!

* * *

There's a break during the concert and as we want to stand up, to stretch our legs I notice, how my friends knees nearly quit their service.

I can catch her at the last possible moment by her upper arm to avert her from falling.

She announces to go to the restroom where I follow her wordlessly to.

The whole time was I looking for conspicuity in her behaviour, which would substantiate my assumptions.

Although I could find no clues I am convinced i am right!

* * *

When we open the door there is a single young girl standing at the sink, observing her reflection sadly.

I hear Jennifer say:

„You are so talented! Awesome! It's a pleasure to listen to your solos."

Of course! If you can hide a part of you … your soul … in a music instrument and escape reality.

If you never get confronted with the real world due to your rich parents. You never have to take care of anything yourself. Easy life...

* * *

… But it's also been a hard day for Kathryn!

* * *

**A/N:**

**Yeah! My first review! Breathtaking...**

**last2know: Thank you so much! It means a lot to me.  
In this chapter there is no resolution, you are right. But in the next there is something, that hopefully pleases your needs.**


	4. Kathryn

**A/N Sorry that it took me so long to update, but I was kinda unsure on whether I should post this or not, because I know that this is most likely disappointing. Well, but this is just how _my_ original story ends.**

**Remember: Kathryn is the protagonist of my novel – so she's not related to CM.**

* * *

… But it's also been a hard day for Kathryn!

„Hell! You're nothing more than an egocentric diva, that will never be satisfied. Nothing will ever be good enough, right? Except your arrogance you own n_othing, _not even emotions! Your heart is so empty that it will collapse one day.  
You don't deserve neither your good-luck that made your stupid life and scanty talent famous, nor the success.  
Listen carefully: I'm going to tell you what you are: Totally. Alone. In. Your. Godforsaken. World!", the boy playing the first violin accuses me.

I must confess I forgot his name again, but are names really so important? Since lately we argue more and more often without real reason.

I raise an eyebrow provocatively and cross my arms in front of my chest.

„Rather alone than totally untalented and clumsy like you. And hideous on top of everything."

With a gesture of my hand I point towards his face and upper body that is a total mess.

„You don't get it, do you?!"

One last time he glares daggers at me before he storms enraged outa the room.

Lets me alone in the middle of unpacked music instrument cases.

With my hands I straighten my black silk dress to regain my composure.

Today is one of those days, again, where I'm barely able to feel _any_thing – neither love nor pure hatred.

But there are other days, either!

At some mornings I can barely bring myself to leave the bed, because _everything_ just seems futile and empty. I just stay under the comforter and sleep and dream.

But at others my day could easily need more than 24 hours before every last bit of my Energy is discharged. At this days it isn't uncommon for me to practice 15 hours nonstop.

But today is definitely a gap filler between the two extremes. Numbness. … Fuzziness.

But this first-violin boy is right. I am nothing more and nothing less than a spoiled brat …

* * *

„All right, can we start now?", our conductor asks me.

I beam at him with a full smile shown on my face, because I definitely don't want him knowing about any of my self-doubts and disgrace.

Jeez! If he would see and finally tell my father! Hell would break loose.

„Definitely. I'm really looking forward to being on stage. I guess the visitors are waiting already way too long. So, let's go and give them what they are waiting for", I suggest more self-confident than I actually feel.

If I have learned one thin than it is to lie like an actress.

* * *

When the concert finally has a break, I can't leave the stage quick enough.

All of these pair of eyes staring expectant at me – I can't stand them any longer, because I know that I will – after all – disappoint them finally.

At the bathroom I can be alone for a moment and put daylight between me and all those negative thoughts and things.

But suddenly two women enter the restroom.

The blond one smiles widely at me and says with sincerity:

„You are so talented! Awesome! It's a pleasure to listen to your solos."

* * *

- For sure! And tomorrow I'll get an engagement as a solo artist with the New Yorker Philharmonic.

What the hell does this woman know!

She most likely was never concerned with a father or a conductor, putting her under enormous pressure to success.

She is _able_ to stand up every morning, goes to work and enjoys the day from its best account,

She is able to sleep all through the night.

She has never so much energy left she threatens to burst, if she does not convert it into movement.

And this blond woman can't even be acquainted to the feeling of worth- and uselessness due to the perfect life she leads!

* * *

The young girl keeps standing over the sink for quite a while and lets cold water run over her hands.

Not until both women come out of their stalls does she close the faucet with a hectic motion.

All three of them exit the restroom and give each other a gentle smile, but all of their eyes are dull.

And that's when they discern that non of them leads such a perfect life they thought the other would.

When both women are on the way towards their seats, the brunette excuses. She forgot her purse in the stall.

As she enters the bathroom a second time, she sees something shiny is lying on the edge of the sink.

She gets closer to catch a better look to figure out what it might be.

She is upset by its strange familiarity.

- It's a bloody razor blade, starting to get rusty around the edges.

END

* * *

**A/N So that's what it is … **

** May I request your help? I tried really hard but I couldn't figure out how I have to put this sentences to make it right: **

**'Not until both women come outa their stalls does she close the faucet with a hectically motion.' - Thanks to cmfan1998 the sentence is right now, but I was really close (:**

**I'm totally clueless! Please help me improve my English skills (;**

**Please leave a review and tell me what you think about the story. (Pretty Please?)**

**Thanks for reading!**


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